The Ache That Doesn’t Have a Diagnosis: Grief, Loss & Mental Health

Grief and loss is an inevitable experience that most will encounter in their lifetime. Although the experience is common, how we process and carry that grief looks very different from person to person; it can often feel confusing, ambiguous and beyond the thresholds of control that we often execute as a means of feeling safe and “normal.”

So, how do you get over this experience? 

How do you make these feelings and emotions go away?

The truth is… you don’t. The journey of grief is exactly that: a journey and, for many, it is a journey that is life-long. Often comparable to standing in the ocean on a beach about knee deep; grief can come in waves. Certainly, at the beginning of the journey, those waves can feel as though they are engulfing you because the grief is fresh, the loss is raw and new, and it is hard to even begin to reconcile. However, as time passes, you might come to notice that the tides shift a bit. Some waves might feel gentle enough to acknowledge and be unphased by, some waves might come more aggressively and prompt you to stumble, and less frequently, some waves might feel forceful enough to knock you down. These waves of grief can feel different depending on time, stages of life, and other experiences and equally evoke different thoughts, feelings and emotions regardless of the length of time that has passed. That said, although this experience is one we continue carrying there are certainly things that can aid in processing and navigating the waves as they come; think of it like ways that you can learn to tread water.

1. Every feeling and emotion deserves space and time: 

Holding space for emotions can be hard, especially when pressures from society and even loved ones are telling you to “move on.” The truth is that no experience with grief is the same. There is no timeline, no list of emotions that are “good” or “bad” to feel, and no handbook on the best practices to get over it. Grief will bring up a plethora of different thoughts, feelings and emotions and all of them are valid and worthy of space.

Equally important, grief and loss is not always the death of a loved one. There can be grief and loss in many different experiences such as transitions in career fields, ending a relationship or friendship, parenthood and feeling a loss of self, aging, battling chronic illness, and many more. Regardless of the experience that initiated your grief and loss journey, it is important to remember that if it impacted you, it matters and deserves the space.

2. Grief and loss is not Linear:

For reference, the grief and loss experience can include the following:

• Denial

• Anger

• Bargaining 

• Depression

• Acceptance

The list above can be a helpful resource in feeling a sense of normalization within your journey as you process the different seasons you have experienced and what might be on the horizon to experience. That said, this list should not be viewed as “stages” as they are not typically experienced chronologically. Grief is not a linear process and an individual experiencing grief and loss can realistically bounce around across this list many times, going back and forth between. Remember, it is a journey, it is personal, it depends on the individual and there is no gold-star for running through the stages as quickly as you can.

3. Practicing radical grace, self-compassion and patience

For so many of us, it can be easy to give grace, compassion and patience to others when inherently, we are oftentimes our own harshest critic. The same love, light and kindness we give on so freely, we often have challenges accepting and providing for ourselves. Acknowledging the above points is critical in beginning to give yourself the time necessary to navigate this journey authentically, remembering that this is not a race or competition but a journey guided by your thoughts, your feelings and your experiences - all of which (again) are deserving and worthy of space.

4. Finding ways to honor the loss

Honoring a loss is important on the grief and loss journey because it gives meaning, recognition, and space to the experience of loss rather than pushing it aside. It can assist in acknowledging the reality of the loss, affirming the connection/significance of the loss, create space for healing and integration of the loss into new routines and purpose, and build resilience. All of which are key in coming to the point of acceptance of the loss and building life beyond the loss. Honoring the loss can look like weaving it into holidays, holding space on anniversaries or annual celebrations, engaging in activities that foster connection to loss and anything in between.

5. Find new routines and purpose

Feeling lost and stuck following a loss is a normal and common response. Oftentimes, when we experience a loss a lot of residual feelings come up - think of the grief list mentioned above. Within that, certain losses can bring us to a point where we are grappling with thoughts of our own mortality, our own future, and it can feel both scary, overwhelming, and oddly liberating as you process through what all the future can entail. All of those feelings can challenge our ability to move forward. 

Finding new routines and purpose is an essential part of the grief and loss journey because loss often disrupts the rhythms, roles, and meaning that once structured life. Establishing new routines and purpose helps create stability and hope after upheaval. In finding new routines and purpose, you can develop a new found sense of safety and stability, identity, encouragement in forward movement and daily functioning. This fosters an environment where healing and growth can happen and reduces prolonged stagnation.

6. Leaning on your supports

The journey of grief and loss can be weird at times and it is not uncommon for a grief experience to bring on odd responses from those around; many who don’t know what to say, say things we don’t need to hear, or some who say nothing at all. Grief and loss bring out discomfort in others which can lead those on a grief and loss journey to feel confused and frustrated by the responses of others - which is so valid. Finding supportive people in your life who hold space for you can be pivotal in how you navigate the journey and show up for yourself in the process.

Grief and loss will always change us—there is no going back to who we were before. But within that change lies an opportunity to carry forward love, meaning, and strength in ways that honor both what we have lost and who we are becoming. While the waves may never stop coming, you can learn to stand more firmly, to tread when needed, and even to float when the tide feels too strong. Remember: you are not meant to “get over” grief, you are meant to live alongside it, allowing it to shape you without defining you. With patience, compassion, and support, healing becomes less about leaving the pain behind and more about discovering how to move forward with courage and purpose.

Need support? Feel free to connect with us!

-Kelliann Miranda-Green, LCSWA